As long as I can remember I have been restless. I have had this urge to move on, to discover and to explore relentlessly. When I was a child my father’s job kept us on the go. Every three years a different city, a new home, new neighborhood, new school and new friends. Just as I was putting out roots, it was time to move again.
The physical process of moving is exhausting and to do it every three years requires determination and stamina. As a child, I was sheltered from the actual hassle of it all. For me, it was an adventure ride – not knowing what was around the corner. Setting up a new house with mom meant unpacking dozens of crates and boxes. It was like a month of Christmas for my sister and me. I don’t remember the pain of losing friends, for were there not letters and phone calls to help keep the oaths of eternal friendship? Also, I had learnt very early in life, that both friends and reasons for friendships are transient. New relationships always question the relevance of old ones and very few survive.
Over the years, my mother grew weary of the constant movement, of turning every company allocated flat into a home. She always made plans of how things will be like in “my home” – an elusive dream place where she could invest time and effort to make it comfortable and not abandon it to strangers just when she was getting settled. As I grew older and went way to college, I inherited this longing for stability; I started talking about “my place”. One of the first things on my agenda after being independent was to buy my own place, which I did, but which I never lived in.
It’s been exactly 10 years since I graduated from college, and I have learned that those were just notions in my head, that old habits are hard to break and in my heart I will always be itching for change.
In 2012, I had a choice for the first time in my life to create that stability. Kapil and I had been in St. Louis for almost 3 years, and we could have lived there for another 30. It is a perfect little town to raise a family, to spend quite weekends in the backyard, to chat with your friends under the star and live for the rest of your life. I could not wait to get away from it all.
So I orchestrated a change. At work I told everyone “anywhere but here”. Several months later, Kapil and I find ourselves in the City of Angels living a hectic, expensive and far from the peaceful life that we were used to. We truly did shake the hornet’s nest on this one.
Am I happy? Sure, happier than before. Is this where I want to make a life? I am not entirely sure. I don’t know if such a place exists for me.
Once I changed where I lived, I focused on what I did and that it was time to let go. So I resigned from my job and was unemployed for the first time in 7 years.
Kapil often asks me “What are you looking for?”. I don’t have an answer but I am working very hard to find out.
Let’s see where 2013 takes us.